Mind Your Own Business
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Jun is on a top-secret deadly mission where everything is at stake. The mission? Make Byakuya Kuchiki crack up. When even Jun's infallible sense of humor seems to be unable to sway the stoic Kuchiki, can Jun make a comeback, or has it all gone to pot? Jun one-shot.


I slouched in my chair at the table, my head hanging in shame. My best joke, the one that had even my best friends rolling on the floor in laughter, had failed against the great Byakuya Kuchiki. If you ask me, he wasn't that great – and I wasn't about to fail my first mission. To the inter-tubes! I began to get up when I felt two hands, one on each shoulder. I shivered as I looked up.

"Your hands are cold," I complained to my boyfriend, Uryu Ishida, as he made an effort to give me a shoulder massage. It was greatly appreciated, the thought anyway.

"Sorry," Ishida replied apologetically. I sighed. "What's the matter?" he asked. I sighed again, more deeply, but didn't answer. Finally I found Ishida mirroring my sigh.

"Tell me," he urged.

"Well, if you insist," I said with an even deeper sigh. "Byakuya-kun didn't laugh when I told him the ostrich joke! My ostrich joke, can you believe it? That man is as cold as… as your hands!"

"You didn't tell him the ostrich joke," Ishida said, aghast, reeling in horror. "What did he do? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I said dismissively. "But my ostrich joke has curled into a corner to die! I can't believe that man! You wouldn't happen to know any jokes like that that I can use, would you? I shall use every one on the earth until I find the right joke!"

"Nothing like your ostrich joke, thank heavens for that," Ishida said, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. "That is the dirtiest joke I ever heard. Where is the mental bleach when you need it?"

"Right next to the shotgun," I said obliquely. "Now tell me; does Soul Society get internet here, or is it all just… not internet?"

"I don't think they have electronics here," Ishida said, frowning slightly.

"I must do research," I whined. "I need to get the very best… oh! I got one! A blonde joke would be just the thing to sway that demon! Thank you, Ishida-kun!" I got up quickly, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and raced outside, leaving him wondering what he could've said. In fact, I knew just what to say. This one would get him if it killed me. Byakuya Kuchiki would be laughing on the floor by the end of the day, so help me!

* * *

Three Days Later

* * *

I slouched in my chair at the table, my head hanging in shame. I had gone through 487 jokes, none of which had gotten the Squad 6 captain to so much as quirk an eyebrow. I had one last chance, so it needed to be good. I was sitting there and thinking and thinking until finally I had it, the one joke that could make even Robert Downey Jr. blush crimson. I shall prevail! I got up quickly and raced out the door, down the road, up the stairs, and burst into the Squad 6 office.

"Eureka!" I exclaimed.

"Taking a bath, were you?" Captain Kuchiki asked calmly. I scowled.

"No," I spat. "Enough with the jokes. I meant, 'I have found it!'"

"Found what?" the stoic captain asked leisurely. "The portal leading to level ten?"

"No, the joke that will make you, Byakuya Kuchiki, fall to the floor in fits of laughter, convulsions wracking your body!" I exclaimed triumphantly, pointing.

"I said it before and I will say it once more," the captain replied, putting down his ink brush. "It's Captain Kuchiki, Miss Jun."

"Never mind that," I said dismissively. I immediately launched into the joke, telling it as best I could. His face remained impassive through the entire thing, and by the end of it, I finished with a wheeze. The unbreakable captain remained unbroken. I stood silently, staring at him for a moment in the hopes that perhaps it was a delayed reaction.

No such luck.

"Fine, you win, spoilsport," I grumbled, and turned to go. As luck would have it, my foot hit a certain floorboard and suddenly I pitched forward, slamming into the ground headfirst. My eyes were wide in shock, but I think my nose was broken.

Then I heard it. I heard the demonic laughter from behind me, and suddenly I wasn't hurt so much. I leapt up, whirling to point an accusing finger at the supposed-to-be-unbreakable Kuchiki.

"You sadistic bastard!" I shrieked. "How dare you laugh at someone else's pain and not laugh at their best jokes! How dare you call yourself a man, much less a rich and powerful one, when your deepest desire is to watch budding comedians' dreams get crushed along with their noses as they hit the ground! You are no friend of mine!" Byakuya wiped tears from his eyes as he leveled his gaze at me.

"I get it," he said, giving another little laugh. "An ostrich. How inventive."

My hand fell. He was… only now… laughing at a joke I told three days ago? Wasn't this man supposed to be smart? I was at a loss for words.

"You…" I snarled. I couldn't think of anything. "Ostrich," I spat for good measure, turned, and stomped out of the door with my head held high. I would get my boyfriend to stop my nose from bleeding later.

* * *

End


End file.
